I was reading Joss Burnel – the Crowing Crone‘s post for today on ‘Pensive’ – very honest and courageous words. I couldn’t help but wonder whether we all reach the same point at 55, where we’re questioning who we are, what we’re doing and whether we’re being true to ourselves. I’m 55 and I’m still not doing what I want to be doing – what the hell is wrong with me?
I bravely resigned from a very secure job in October last year. Friends advised me against doing so in such tough economic times but I went ahead anyway. I had a couple of valid excuses, like wanting to spend the last few precious weeks with our ailing dog, and needing to be around the home while workmen reconfigured our back yard.
The fundamental reason for my decision though, was far more personal.
I found myself apologising when asked where I worked. I was also trying to justify my being there – it was not where I wanted to be, not where I ultimately saw myself. No passion for the work or for the organisation, no feeling of self-fulfillment, and no feeling of helping others. Working for the government, I was doing a great job and ticking all the boxes, but I didn’t bounce out of bed with enthusiasm every morning. And I am naturally that sort of person.
I appreciate that it’s a real luxury to resign with nowhere to go. I had the support of my partner and of my family so was lucky in that respect.
That was in seven months ago now. I’m still not working even though I would dearly love to be. Opportunities have arisen, I haven’t taken them. The need to be true to myself, to find the passion and go for it, is so strong. I know where I want to be and I know I’d be good. I also know that I’d have a better chance of achieving self-fulfilment.
It’s taken me a long time to get to the point where I have the confidence and reassurance to change things so dramatically.
I don’t like being out of work – I need work, I thrive on work and love having purpose in my day. When people ask what I do now, I find the answer even harder. With the absence of paid work has come a loss of self-esteem, enhanced further with each rejection email.
I’m hoping that I take my first step onto the right path soon. I know where it is …